Just Because
by scullyseviltwin
Summary: They fight. They talk about... well... about what exactly they "are." SwitchApoc


Title: Just Because  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity  
  
Rating: R, implied schtuff.  
  
Characters: Apoc, Switch, Trinity is mentioned  
  
Category: MAJOR angst, romance  
  
Disclaimer: Dey ain't mine... uh... yo.  
  
Summary: Hmm... let's just say Switch and Apoc have some things to reason out.  
  
---  
  
Perhaps it's time. Maybe I should just get up, march out there and tell him to fu-  
  
"Switch! Let's go, you're already late." The goddamned nerve.  
  
"Sorry if I thought that for *once* I might get a bit of sleep. Remember... sleep?" My rant as to my lack of sleep was said on the move. I hadn't yet had the chance to change out of my dingy sweater into my other dingy sweater and I felt positively rampant. If Apoc thought he was getting me up out of bed without a fight, he obviously hadn't thought very far ahead.  
  
"You missed your shift." I was met with the cold 'death-stare' that Apoc used only when it came to me. We were at a head... again.  
  
"Actually, if you had bother checking the modulated schedule... posted there..." I pulled up the shift schedule and in bright red letters (which I had taken special care to bold and underline solely for this purpose) was my name. Double shift. That's right: DOUBLE SHIFT. Honestly the man can be so daft sometimes it makes me want to cry. And then punch him square in the mouth.  
  
"Oh, alright. Well, who's taking the shift now?" And he had to continue! Continue to be condescending even though I knew I had won the battle. The goddamned nerve. "I mean, no one's on the clock."  
  
"Well, if no one's on the clock, what's Morpheus's rule? What does he *always* say?" I took indefinite satisfaction at the recognition that was dawning on his face. Poor guy, would seem I had gotten the best of him, as I always do. Though I admit, it's damn hard to pass up on the opportunity to one-up me.  
  
"Oh, no, no, no. You did that on purpose. Fuck! What about Trinity? Come on..."  
  
"I took her double shift last week. She stayed up all night researching the new recruit. What a trooper, twenty hours straight. Admirable, I was hanging over the back of his seat so he was forced to strain his eyes to look up at me. I wasn't going to fall for his puppy dog look this time and I wasn't going to be won over by his charm.  
  
Goddamn I loved him. No, no no. None of that. I loved sleep more than I loved him at this point. I had a date with Mr. Sandman that I was utterly prepared to keep. So be it if it came to blows.  
  
"So you're telling me that if I go ask Trinity right now, she'll confirm your story." Apoc looked at me like I was the harbinger of insomnia, which I was, so he was fairly on target with the assumption that I was only doing this to pay him back for last week's debacle.  
  
"Well, for one, I don't think she'll be very appreciative of be awoken at-" I looked over her shoulder at the small clock on the module. "O-Three hundred. Second of all, why would I have ANY reason to lie to you?" And then, then I accidentally let slip that little smug grin I love so very much. The one that says 'I win, and you know it.' I like that grin, I didn't want to *use* it though, I wanted to play with him a bit.  
  
"This is for last week isn't it?" Apoc said, his face falling, the recognition of my intentions finally dawning on him, smacking him square between the eyes. "I thought you were above revenge."  
  
I shrugged a bit, the weight of my shoulders feeling much heavier now that I hadn't slept in four days. "I thought I was too, but that was before three consecutive double shifts. Two forced-" Then I grinned again, the lack of sleep was worth the suffering in Apoc's eyes. "One intentional." Seeing a man wither is almost as satisfying as seeing a man beg. Needless to say, I felt satisfied in a way that I hadn't felt in a good long time.  
  
"I simply cannot believe you! It was an accident! Switch!" He sounded like a whiny four year old. Of course, I loved it.  
  
"Yes, four modules in my sector 'accidentally' had four inceptors go missing. That is most certainly *not* accidental. It wasn't accidental. Modules don't randomly undo themselves and start ripping apart and *hiding* their innards. It doesn't happen, not even in the Matrix. "It just isn't a good lie Apoc, you should work on that." I was fairly certain I was delirious. It began with light-headedness and then moved on to affect my speech, almost slurring my words. I must have sounded so strange to him if I sounded strange to myself.  
  
It fazed me when he didn't say anything in reply to my comment. Had I finally pinned him so verbally that he was unable to respond with a witty retort?  
  
Suddenly, his eyes, which held the malicious glint they usually have when we're sparring, fell almost lifeless and his head drooped onto his chest. Perhaps a ruse? Was he trying to trick me into feeling sympathy and then pounce on me with newly inspired words? I speculated, but he did not sit back up. Interesting.  
  
Finally, after an indefinite period of the two of us sitting and standing (respectfully) in silence, he sat erect. I, however, was still lounging on the back of his chair just waiting for him to respond.  
  
"Why is it always a tug of war between us Switch?" And he looked up at me, his 'puppy dog' eyes having a hint of longing and sadness in them. Suddenly the air of jesting that we had taken was sucked out of the room completely.  
  
"Listen I-"  
  
"No, I really want to know. All we ever do is find reasons to be around each other and then when we do, all we do is ignore it." The tone of his voice was sharp, but sad and I honestly didn't have an answer to his inquiry.  
  
"I'm tired Apoc. Can't we drop it. We'll discuss it tomorrow." And I didn't want to face it, didn't want to have my feelings out in the open on the ship, enclosed within the steel walls that would suffocate them.  
  
"Switch we both know. What happened the other night-"  
  
"Can never happen again." Shards of glass lined with acid were piercing my skin as I said the words. A feeling of dread washed over me and I watched the words sink in. I had been willing myself to believe it never happened. Willing myself to think that I wouldn't have to face our respective feelings. How could I think that when I knew what his personality was and knew his feelings towards me?  
  
"So that-" His hands waved in the space in front of him as he spun the chair around to face me directly. "Was nothing to you?"  
  
Lies would have been so much easier to spout, would have helped the both of us to ignore. Perhaps it would have been easier if he hadn't been the one to set me free. Release me from the Matrix into the real world.  
  
"I, I don't know what to say. In my mind, everything we did was right. It was all... I don't know." Apoc, obviously stunned and burnt moved to get out of the seat but in a moment of panic I shoved him back into his chair. His palms were face up in his lap as he looked up at me stunned. Hell, I'd stunned myself. I just really didn't want to go through the rest of my life pretending. We were humans damnit. We'd been *freed*, but I didn't feel free to have the feelings that I had.  
  
Okay, deep breath. Say what's on your mind. Just do it. Just do it and get it over with. "Yes... yes, it meant something... I mean. You have to understand Apoc, you have to know... how hard this is. Isn't it hard for you?"  
  
Again, he made to get out of his chair, and this time I let him. "Of course it's hard for me. How could it not be?" His normally gruff voice had fallen a bit, and his hand reached out toward my cheek. I looked down. I looked away.  
  
"I-I just don't want all of this-" And now I was using hand gestures, perfect. "To be because we're, we're here. I don't want this to be just because we're here. It has to be something more." And there, triumph! I felt free in an odd sort of way after I had finally said the words. A burden was lifted.  
  
"Of course, of course it's something more. This isn't a 'just because' Switch. It's not." And I let him touch my cheek this time, his rough fingers brushing over my chilled skin. His other hand lifted my chin so that he could look me in the eye. Eye contact was important to him, still is, I don't know why.  
  
"This isn't just because. It's not."  
  
And so I kissed him, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't.  
  
Oh- he still took my shift. I'm not that much of a pushover. Please. 


End file.
